Be Careful Pointing Fingers

How does the saying go? When you point your finger at someone the rest are pointing back at you? I don't know if that's exactly how it goes, but you get the idea. I have a friend who I had not spoken to in a long time. Cut her off without explanation. I justified it by playing the mad card. I created a list of reasons to be mad but I never told her. My mind can be a real tricky bitch and the more I thought these things the more I believed them. Then it hit me. I was mad at myself and it's a lot easier to be mad at someone else. You can't shut yourself out, but you can other people. It's stupid, ridiculous and overall a real jackass thing to do. I regret it. I have for a long time but I was scared to reach out for fear she was mad at me. She had every right to be. It's really shitty to be best friends with someone for so long and then vanish.The whole time I was pointing my finger at her and blaming her for my not speaking to her, my other fingers were pointing at me and screaming" Hey!! Stop being a stubborn asshole and look in the mirror!" So I did. I reached out in the wieniest way possible by tagging her in a picture I posted on Facebook. I had friend requested and cancelled the friend request a few times because I was afraid she'd tell me to fuck off. Thankfully she didn't. We've messaged each other and plan on calling later. I hope we can fall back into where we were but if not that's ok. I understand. I apologized but sometimes that's not enough and I get that. But I never want to lose touch again. The next time I start pointing fingers I'm going to use my hand to slap myself instead. Maybe then I won't be such a jackass.

It's All Mind Over Matter. I Don't Mind And You Don't Matter.

I have wasted a lot of time worrying what other people thought about me. I would seriously stress myself out over it. What, you don't like me? Why not?  Was it because I'm not  smart enough? Thin enough? Pretty enough? The list went on and on and on. Until one day it hit me.

I am fucking amazing and if you don't like something about me it's your problem not mine.

The most recent thing that got me thinking about this is the situation I've run into with college. Yes, it would be nice to have a degree. I've always had that as a goal. But realistically, it is not required for what I want to do. If someone thinks less of me because I don't have a degree that is their own screwed up way of thinking. I told Ryan it was important to me to have it because I want to be a good role model for the kids. All he said was "you already are". Just like when I wanted to play roller derby he said "you don't have to prove to anyone you're a bad ass, we already know you are". He's right. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I AM a bad ass.

The other epiphany I had ( I love that word, don't know why) was it takes way too much time and energy to be constantly worried about other people's opinions. Why do I care if you don't like the latest hair color I'm rockin'? Why do I care if you think the boots I so desperately want are " ugly as sin and I had better be bad so Santa won't bring them"?(that's a direct quote from Casey Withers ;) ) And why do I care about your opinion about my career, education or life in general? I've learned that people who are the biggest haters are the ones who are too chicken shit to stray away from the "normal" path. They can keep normal, I don't want any part of it.

Life is short. Be silly, be quirky, let your freak flag fly and most of all be who you are and not what you think someone else thinks you should. 

<3

Curses!! Foiled Again!!

Once again in the saga of trying to get a damn bachelors degree my arch nemesis shows up and derails me. This time I thought I had the problem whipped into submission but the rotten bastard got a second wind.

Drats! I've been foiled again!

I thought this go round of trying to complete my degree was going to go smoothly. I knew it would be rough, as it's not easy to study while being the referee in the kid's grudge matches. But this time was going to be different. When I met with an advisor before classes began I was so relieved when I was told I didn't have to take college algebra. I could take Statistics(which I can't pronounce for shit) or math for liberal arts. I almost did a happy dance in the middle of the office. Woo hoo!! I was finally going to accomplish a goal I made many, many, MANY years ago.

Then today came the dreaded phone call. I called my advisor to discuss classes for the spring semester and she hit me with a freaking one-two punch. I will have to take algebra because the D I fought so hard to get at my previous school will not count toward my general education requirement. I will have to take algebra to even get into the class that will count. Here's the kick in the nuts. I worked hard for that D. I struggled, I cried, I was tutored and a D was my reward. I was so proud to pass and have that class behind me I would have stuck my paper on the fridge with a magnet. It was also the third time I had taken it and I thought third time's a charm.  To be told it doesn't count hits where it hurts. There is a reason I'm a writer and not a damn mathematician. Now, the second punch.

I'm an online student at a university an hour and a half away. When I decided to go back to school I researched all my options and carefully chose what I thought was the best option for me. Being told I didn't have to take algebra was the icing on the cake. But I found out I won't be able to take all my classes online. Say what now??? Apparently there was a misunderstanding and my thought I could do everything online was wrong. So, here is where I stand so far. I have to retake a class that makes me so damn anxious I'm surprised I don't break out in hives, and I'm over an hour away from campus.  What in the hell am I supposed to do???

I checked my options around here before I enrolled and didn't find what I was looking for. I feel like everything I have done up to this point has been for nothing. All the time I've spent studying when my kids wanted me to be with them, all the nights I've lost sleep and looked like hammered shit the next day, the money I've invested has all been for nothing. I even quit roller derby to go back to school. Finishing my education was a huge deciding factor in my quitting something I loved and had a strong desire to kick ass in. What now? I feel like I'm missing something by not having my degree. I know I don't need one for my career choice, but it never hurts to have it.

I'm really at a loss. I feel defeated and would love if God would drop me a sign as to what I should do. (Pssst!! Are you listening???) This may not seem like a huge deal to some people, but when you've tried so hard for so long, it hurts when it comes around and bites you in the ass. :(

Trapped in a Box

It's no secret I don't care for my job. Ok, I fucking hate it. I was "volunteered"( in other words, not given a choice) by my previous supervisors a year ago to join the newly established systems group within out department. This is not a job I would have applied for in the first place. I know dick about systems. I don't care how things work as long as they work and I don't have to fix them when they don't. I hate sitting in a cubicle like a caged monkey and I loathe the feeling of being watched. Not only that, it's boring. I'm not a boring person. I like to be loud and goofy and have fun.  One of these days I'm going to stand on my desk and yell "Marco" just to see if anyone will yell "Polo". I'll start a wave around the office, or maybe I'll  have spurts of random dancing, ANYTHING to break up the monotony of the day and help me maintain my sanity. I wonder if it would be frowned upon to roller skate around the office? Hmmmm...anyway.    I'm only still there because I have 8 years with the company and my pay is good and 3 weeks of vacation plus bonus holidays is pretty damn sweet.

My biggest gripe with the whole situation is they keep moving my desk. I've been moved 4 times since July 2012. I've been moved across buildings, up and down floors and passed around cubicles. I hate it. The next thing you know I'll be in the fucking basement like Milton from the movie Office Space. It will just be me and my stapler. How sad is that???? I can picture it and it's not pretty.

Some of us just aren't meant to be trapped in cubicle hell all day. The way I see it if I'm going to spend 40 hours of my week somewhere I want to be doing something I love. Life is too short to not do what you're passionate about.  I'm working on it and I hope an opportunity comes up soon that I can jump on. Until then if you're looking for me and I'm not in the spot I was last time, you can probably find me in the basement. :S

High School is Haunting Me

I'm under a fair amount of stress these days. I don't know what in the hell possessed me to think that taking 4 classes this semester while working 40 hours a week and taking care of a family would be a wise thing to do. On a good day I can still fit in some sort of workout and these days that's mainly holding on for dear life while being dragged by a 50 pound dog while she chases all the rabbits and squirrels in the neighborhood. (Seriously. It's like a fucking forest around here with all the damn wildlife. Good cardio, though) But when I am stressed I have a recurring dream. This dream has been haunting me for years and it won't go away. 17 long years...

In my dream I'm told that I didn't actually graduate from high school.

I know, I know. That is bat shit crazy. I graduated in freakin 1996. I have my diploma(somewhere), a copy of my transcript, pics of me in my cap and gown and all the proof I need to show that I did in fact escape the halls of Bryan Station High School after 4 years. But in this dream the principal shows up at my house IN THE PRESENT DAY and tells me I didn't actually graduate and have to go back. WTF does this mean?? I didn't have a particularly traumatic high school experience. The only thing that scarred me was the inability to pass Algebra, which I swear was created by Satan himself. Nothing out of the ordinary happened to make me have this irrational dream. How would this be analyzed? Do I have unfinished business from then? Is there an incomplete algebra test floating around in limbo somewhere that is waiting to have a big fat "F" marked on it? The only regret I have from high school is that I was a huge chicken shit and was too afraid of my mom to do anything that might have gotten me into real trouble. I just can't figure out the meaning behind this.

I hope I learn how to better manage my stress. If it gets worse I might start dreaming about middle school and that was a time that really sucked ass. Let's just hope I can sleep tonight without hearing the fight song in my head and trying to push my way through the halls so I don't get a tardy.  :S

It's The Little Things

I don't like to be mushy. I'm not a fan of  romantic comedies because of the mush factor (and predictable plots) and I'm not over the top when it comes to PDAs. But I know I've got a good thing going and I feel the need to brag.

To put it simply-Ryan is awesome. He's an awesome husband, best friend, daddy and in general a great person. He has to be or I wouldn't have spent the last 17 years with him! I love him more now than I did then and it all has to do with the little things he does that make me smile.

I posted on my Facebook status today asking if anyone would bring me a caramel frap from Starbucks. I really didn't expect anyone to take me seriously, and the last I'd heard from Ryan he wasn't even working in town. I LOVED it when 20 minutes later I got a text message telling me to come outside and get my frap before it melted. Instantly the goofiest grin ever spread across my face and I ran downstairs. I didn't run to get my drink, I ran because I knew he brought it to me just to make me smile. He always does stuff like that and he always has. These are the things that make our relationship so great. It's the small, insignificant to some, details that mean the most.

He brings me flowers for no reason other than he wants to. The flowers he gave me for our last anniversary wasn't just a bouquet he picked up at the store on his way home. He had it made just for me with my favorites-multicolored daisies and red and white roses in a purple vase.  He knows that if I'm sick nothing makes me feel better than a tub of Ben and Jerry's and a trash magazine. This poor man has went with me 6 times to see Billy Currington in concert because he knows how much I love the guy,(but honestly I think he goes  to make sure I don't make an ass of myself and try to jump on stage ;) ) . He would never take the last cold Diet Coke out of the fridge, and he has never had a problem buying tampons. He never tells me to shut up when I sing and he has been known to go out of his way to stop by my job to give me a much needed hug when I'm having a craptastic day.


No amount of money, no car, no house, NOTHING, is worth more than that.

You Can't Pick Your Family

I had a conversation with my youngest sister tonight about family that really got to me. That side of my family(who is family only because we share DNA) can only be described as a clusterfuck. It has taken many years of soul searching, tears, therapy and medication for me to come to terms with it. My heart breaks as I watch baby sis go through the same thing. I know that all families have a certain level of dysfunction. Hell, if you don't then you're not normal, am I right??

Just because you share a family tree with someone doesn't mean you have to like or love them. Hell, there are plenty on that side whose branches I'd like to saw off. Actually I think I'd rather uproot the whole tree and start over, but anyhoo. Some things you just can't change. One thing I can say about them is they have definitely shaped part of who I am. Trust me, they didn't do it on purpose because that would have required effort on their part.

My point is, family is so much more than blood. It's the people who drop everything and run to your side if you call them at 2 a.m, no questions asked. It's the people who love all your quirks and crazy ways and don't judge you for them. Family are the ones who will call you on your bullshit and not be afraid to piss you off because they're doing it because they love you. They're the ones who fill that empty space left from the people who were "supposed" to be there and they fill it so much it overflows. The best families are the ones that are effortless, you know it's meant to be because it's easy. It feels right. If you have to force it, it's not meant to be.

Little sister, I hope this gives you some comfort. After all, you did get a kick ass big sister out of the deal. :)