Sometimes Less Really is More

I'm rarely at a loss for words. Words are kind of my thing. Writing, talking, singing(badly) etc, I usually have an answer, a witty or snarky remark, a movie quote or song lyric on the tip of my tongue ready to be fired off. So tonight needs to be marked in the history books.

I can talk about Autism and Autism awareness at length. My current goal is to write a children's book about the subject. You can imagine how shocked I was when asked by a question by an 8 year old that I was stumped. Literally stumped.

Natalie had a friend over, someone who comes over quite a bit and is a really great kid. Joshua was across the street at his friend's house and the girls and I were hanging out in the living room. They were playing Just Dance 3 and I was lying on the couch trying not to make it obvious I was dozing off. Then the little girl asked "Why does Joshua always talk about Minecraft? Why does he always want to show me what he's built? I told him I don't like Minecraft. Why does he cry if he can't play it?"

My brain was about to short circuit trying to figure out the best way to answer her. Do I go into a long, drawn out explanation about how Autism is a neurological disorder? Do I tell her that Joshua has obsessions that become all he talks about, thinks about, wants to play, and if he can't do those things he can't explain his frustration without an outburst? Do I throw out words like spectrum, Asperger's, high functioning or meltdowns? If I can't explain this to her, how in the world am I going to write a book about it??

"Do you know what Autism is?" I asked her. She shook her head no so I went on. "Well, it means Joshua does things a little differently than other people. He loves Minecraft and doesn't understand why others don't love it as much as he does. To him it is the only thing to talk about and nothing else matters." She still just looked at me. I went on and on for a few minutes about how even though he does and sees things differently than her and other kids, he is still very much like them. How different doesn't mean bad or weird.

She looked at me, thoughtfully. " So it's in his brain? Ok." And with that she went back to dancing and I went back to breathing.

A few minutes later Joshua walked through the door. "Hey, do you want to see the log ride I built in Minecraft?" he asked her. "It's like a water roller coaster!!"

She just smiled and said sure. I wish everyone in the world was as easy going about it as she was. That will only happen if we can talk about it.

Life Lessons For My Children

I've learned a lot of lessons since becoming a mom. I've learned that I'm a lot tougher than I ever thought I could be. Not just from giving birth twice (36 freaking hours for the first kid. ugh) but from things I've never expected such as an Autism diagnosis and my daughter dealing with "mean girls" in the 2nd grade. I'm no longer squeamish or easily nauseated and I know the difference between the "oh shit I'm bleeding and really hurt" scream to the "my sister is annoying me and won't go away" scream without having to set foot in the room. Those are just a few of the things they have taught me, here are some things I want my children to learn from me.

1. I am teaching you right from wrong. It's up to you to remember to use it. Right now it's pretty easy because you're just 8 and 10. The real test will be when you are teenagers and not under my constant supervision. I just hope and pray that you will remember what I have taught you about right and wrong and that you practice it. When faced with that decision I want you to picture me, your loving mother who sacrificed so much for you and you decide you just can't break her heart. (I'm not Catholic but that's a healthy dose of Catholic guilt for ya)  If you choose "wrong" I hope to have instilled the same fear in you my mother instilled in me and you know that you'll never do that again. I still shudder at the thought of pissing off your Mimi. That being said...

2. You get in a shit ton less trouble if you tell me the truth. I don't care what you did; robbed a bank, mugged an old woman or kicked a kitten, if you lie to me there will be hell to pay. You're still going to get punished(who could really kick a kitten???) but it won't be as severe if you fess up to what you did.

3. Be nice to people. It's really not that hard. I could give you an old southern saying such as "you attract more flies with honey than vinegar" but here's the truth. No one likes an asshole. Treat people the way you want to be treated. I am NOT telling you to be a pushover or take crap. By all means stand up for yourself. But I never want to hear that you threw the first punch. Don't start the fight, but don't let them think you won't finish it.


4.Always be true to yourself. This is a hard one. Peer pressure is a total bitch and you haven't yet reached the ages where it will get really bad. Real friends won't ask you to compromise who you are. They will love you regardless.

5. This one is especially for my baby girl. I hope you never lose your sense of style. It is uniquely Natalie and I LOVE it. You're like my own little Punky Brewster. You wear big, fake flowers in your hair, purple snow boots with sundresses,  your socks never match and you always look AMAZING! I want you to always have the confidence you have now and never let anyone tell you that you don't look fabulous. I doubt that will be a problem because you're one kick ass, tough chick, but I wanted you to hear it from me. :)


6. Here's one for my boy. Asperger's sucks. We know that. But it is NOT going to get the best of you. You are without a doubt the funniest, wittiest kid I have ever met. You have kept me laughing since you were a baby. You mind has always astounded me. What 2 year old can tell you all the parts of a train? I'm not talking about the engine and caboose, I mean all the things that make it run and how they fit together. I'll never forget when you shocked the teacher at your kindergarten evaluation when you asked her if she knew what a geyser was and you proceeded to name a few and how they erupt. The social skills will come with time. You are not the problem, how people react to you is their own problem. When in doubt refer to number 3. They're assholes.

As my babies get older I'm sure I'll add to the list. I am dreading the day when I have to give advice about dating, heartbreak and all the hard stuff that comes with that age. For now, I'll just keep it simple. The only thing they really need to know is how much I love them and always will.

The Mall is the Gateway to Hell!

I know I do a lot things that may not make sense. Just in the last month I adopted a dog out of a moment of weakness that has brought our total to 3, I buried a squirrel to calm down my animal loving daughter, and tonight I outdid myself. I took 3 kids to the mall. Three kids ages 6, 8, and 10. Believe me when I say it would have been easier if they were all still stroller size!!My only reason for going to the mall was I wanted to get a UK shirt to wear to the game Saturday. I parked at the closest entrance to the store I wanted to go in and thought it would be an easy peasy trip. I obviously need to quit thinking.

What is it about walking through the doors of the mall that is like entering the gates of hell? It was hot as balls in that place and I swear they do it on purpose. We barely made it in the door when suddenly 2 out of 3 kids suddenly became so thirsty you would have thought they had crossed the desert. My nephew started speaking as if he had a scratchy throat to prove his point. I called bullshit on that one because him and my daughter talked nonstop in the car and trust me, there was not a voice issue. Anyway, we made our way to the nearest water fountain because the last thing I wanted to do was try to deal with 3 kids with Cokes walking through the mall.

Once the kids drank enough water to hold over a camel we made our way through the mall. As we walked past Justice I saw Natalie get the glazed over look in her eye from all the sparkles and sequins and knew we would have to go in. Joshua actually gagged at the thought of going in the "girl store" . Here he is, standing in front of the entrance, acting like I had just asked him to scoop dog poop out of the yard with his bare hands. My nerves were unraveling at a very fast pace.

Just to fast forward through the rest of our adventure in one hour we had: 2 bathroom breaks,  1 water fountain stop, 1 stop for Cokes because I was informed water fountain water was disgusting(and I have to agree), 1 trip to the Disney store that makes me hate all things related to the mouse, a stop at the cookie counter because nothing grabs a kid's attention like a display case of baked goodness with sprinkles and finally we head back to the car all the while my nephew is complaining his feet hurt because the mall is too big to walk around! Screw the cookies, mama wants a drink!!

I do however consider this to be a successful trip as I left the mall with just as many kids as I entered with, I bought 2 new UK t shirts and most importantly, I did not flip my shit and get dragged away in a straitjacket. This record will stand for years because I am in no hurry to try and best it ;)

Things My Kids Make Me Do Part 1

Since I became a parent almost 11 years ago, there are many things I have had to do that I never thought I would ever do in my life. I have cleaned many an explosive diaper, wiped up projectile vomit, checked the closets for monsters and treated a stuffed dog like a real animal because to my son, Max IS real. I know all the words to the songs from Teen Beach Movie and all the dance moves that go with them, I have subjected myself to the madness of Legofest and just 2 weeks ago, adopted another dog (we now have 3) because Natalie insisted this dog was lonely and was meant to be a part of our family. But today, Natalie got one over on us that I NEVER saw coming.

We had a funeral for a squirrel. A random, every day, run of the mill squirrel.

Let me start by saying Natalie is like Elly Mae from "The Beverly Hillbillies". The girl has never met a critter she didn't like. She can't stand the thought of an animal being hurt, sick or lonely. That damn ASPCA commercial with Sarah Mclachlan makes her go into hysterics to where we have to change the channel whenever we hear that song.( Thanks for ruining my whole fucking day, Sarah Mclachlan!!!) I am so proud of my little girl for being so compassionate and loving, but today really took the cake.

It all began when I noticed my two smaller dogs, Molly and Delilah, tossing something around in the backyard. I knew they didn't have a toy out there and at first I thought they had a bird because they have done that in the past. When I went to check on them I saw a bushy tail and four stiff little paws sticking straight up in the air. That poor little squirrel's mouth was open as if it had tried screaming but nothing came out. Now, I'm not sure if my dogs killed it or if it was already dead and they just thought it was a chew toy. I don't care. I was royally skeeved out that they had their mouths on the dirty thing. I did what anyone in my position would do. I hollered for my husband to come outside and discard of the deceased.

Unfortunately, all the windows were open and the kids heard me yell. Natalie came flying out of the house, "what happened? is it ok?" I stepped back to try to hide the crime scene. "No, sweetie, it's dead. But daddy's going to take care of it." She tried her best to step around me, but I'm a lot quicker than I look and I managed to get her to go back inside. Ryan got an empty box out of the trash and scooped little squirrely into it, and dropped it back into the Herbie.

We went in the house and assured the kids everything was fine. Then, with so much seriousness for an 8 year old, Natalie said "Did you bury it?"
I immediately knew where this was going.  "Um, no, we put it in the trash".
As I watched my baby girl's lower lip tremble and her big blue eyes fill with tears I instantly felt like the world's biggest ass. " We have to bury it" was all she would say. Each time she said it, she got louder and the crying got uglier. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. We were going to bury that squirrel and if I had to, I would make it a proper casket and headstone.

I know my dear, sweet, understanding husband thought I'd lost my ever-loving mind when I asked him to get the shovel, but he did it anyway. We can now honestly say there isn't anything he wouldn't do for his little girl. We found a place in the side yard to lay the little bugger to rest. Joshua was trying so hard to be solemn but I could see the laughter bubbling up inside him. He was also humming the funeral march. I slapped him on the shoulder to make him stop. We asked Natalie if she wanted to say a few words but all that did was start the ugly cry all over again. We ended the service and went back inside so she could grieve privately.

So now I have one more thing to add to my list of things my children have made me do. I have also learned something. Next time there is a dead animal in the yard, I won't yell so loudly!!

I Never Knew Heartache Until Now

The most heartbreaking thing in the world is not being able to help your child. To sit back and feel completely and utterly helpless is devastating. There is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that washes over you and makes you feel like you are failing the one person in the world who needs you most. Meltdowns are the worst things ever for my son to go through, and they are the best at making me feel inadequate as a parent.

Tonight's meltdown was triggered by the dreaded math homework. I sympathize with him because math has always been the thorn in my side. I just don't have a mathematical brain and I hate that I have passed it on to my children. But how do you handle it when the child thinks there is something wrong with them and that is the reason they don't understand? What do you do when you can see by the look on his face that he is losing control and feeling helpless because he doesn't know how to process these feelings? He's not being a brat or out of control when he throws his hands over his ears like he's desperately trying to block out the world and cries "help me, Mommy". Autism makes it so difficult for him to process and express these emotions and to an outsider it looks like one helluva temper tantrum. He's not throwing a fit because I've grounded him from the Xbox, or taken away his favorite toy. He just can't express his frustration any other way. It is torture for him to go through it and for us to watch, unable to stop it.

Being a mom I feel it is my job to be able to make everything better. I've healed boo boo's with kisses, Band Aids and popsicles. But a meltdown can't be made better with those things. You have to wait it out no matter how long it takes. When the worst of the storm was over, my 5 foot tall, 110 pound 10 year old crawled onto my 5'2 size lap and let me hold him like I did when he was a baby. It was comforting to know that I could still do that. I can't fix Autism, I can't stop the meltdowns. All I can do is hold my baby boy when he'll let me and tell him that even when he's bigger than me, I will still do it.