I Never Knew Heartache Until Now

The most heartbreaking thing in the world is not being able to help your child. To sit back and feel completely and utterly helpless is devastating. There is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that washes over you and makes you feel like you are failing the one person in the world who needs you most. Meltdowns are the worst things ever for my son to go through, and they are the best at making me feel inadequate as a parent.

Tonight's meltdown was triggered by the dreaded math homework. I sympathize with him because math has always been the thorn in my side. I just don't have a mathematical brain and I hate that I have passed it on to my children. But how do you handle it when the child thinks there is something wrong with them and that is the reason they don't understand? What do you do when you can see by the look on his face that he is losing control and feeling helpless because he doesn't know how to process these feelings? He's not being a brat or out of control when he throws his hands over his ears like he's desperately trying to block out the world and cries "help me, Mommy". Autism makes it so difficult for him to process and express these emotions and to an outsider it looks like one helluva temper tantrum. He's not throwing a fit because I've grounded him from the Xbox, or taken away his favorite toy. He just can't express his frustration any other way. It is torture for him to go through it and for us to watch, unable to stop it.

Being a mom I feel it is my job to be able to make everything better. I've healed boo boo's with kisses, Band Aids and popsicles. But a meltdown can't be made better with those things. You have to wait it out no matter how long it takes. When the worst of the storm was over, my 5 foot tall, 110 pound 10 year old crawled onto my 5'2 size lap and let me hold him like I did when he was a baby. It was comforting to know that I could still do that. I can't fix Autism, I can't stop the meltdowns. All I can do is hold my baby boy when he'll let me and tell him that even when he's bigger than me, I will still do it.