Forgiveness is Not a Right

Someone said to me yesterday "Everyone deserves to be forgiven". That has been stuck in my head all night and day. The more I think about it, the more I have to disagree. Not everyone deserves to be forgiven. For someone you have hurt so deeply to forgive you is a privilege, not a right. And just because you offer an apology doesn't mean I have to accept. I do not believe this makes me a bad person. It makes me human.

I spent years waiting for an apology from certain people for the things they did and did not do. I never received them and now it's too late because they have both passed on. I was told that forgiving them would help me, that it would release me from the dark place I've been in. Um, excuse me. I am not in a dark place. I have a beautiful life because that is what I chose. I chose not to wallow in the past and let it get me down. Yes, I am still mad as hell at these people and sometimes I still cry about it. But that doesn't hold me back from living my life. Crying is not an indication that I'm not over it or that these people still have a hold on me. It just means that I was hurt to the depths of my soul and those kind of wounds never go away. The scars might fade and the memories might become less vivid, but it is always there. I'm also a firm believer that dying doesn't grant you a reprieve from the crappy things you did to people while you were alive. It doesn't make you any less of an asshole, and I will never think that dying instantly changes you from bad to good.

Now if anyone is wondering this to themselves, yes, I am a Christian. I do know that it is my Christian duty to forgive and to ask myself "what would Jesus do". It is easier said than done. Maybe I'm not as far into my spiritual journey as I'd like to believe since I can't do this one thing. Maybe these people who hurt me didn't feel the need to ask for my forgiveness because they asked for it from Jesus. If that's the case, so be it. Because I'm asking forgiveness from Him for the hatred I feel for them. As long as I have that, I will be ok.