It's My Party and I'll Bitch if I Want To

 Bear with me, friends. I'm having a bit of a pity party at the moment. It happens to us all at one moment or another and now it's my turn.

In the past month I've been to numerous doctors, been in some very uncomfortable positions in some very cold exam rooms, and paid co pays out the ass. For what? Not an answer or some relief from the pain that's for damn sure!! I am seriously frustrated at this point with the lack of a diagnosis and I fear this could drag out for a very long time like it did when I was sick with gall bladder issues. It took a full freaking year to be diagnosed with gallstones and I literally started to think it was all in my mind before the problem was found. I know I can be bat shit crazy, but I'm not insane!

I am truly heartbroken about the school situation. It finally felt like it was my time to complete my degree and now that it's not going to happen I'm beyond bummed out. Graduating from college has always felt like something I was supposed to do and I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't done it. I can rationalize it any way I want too; I don't need a degree to be a writer, I have a job that pays well and has good benefits, a degree is just a piece of paper, etc. But the truth is I want that damn piece of paper with my name on it and without it, I'm trapped in my current job because I have no other skills.

Another thing. I miss roller derby. I miss it so much that even though I realistically know I can't go back, I refuse to part with my skates. I just can't do it. Getting rid of them would make not going back all to real and I don't want to think about it. I miss how strong it made me feel, how powerful, and how bad ass. It was physically the hardest thing I've ever done, and there were plenty of times I cried from frustration and pain. But I still wanted to do it. I still want to do it. Unfortunately I just can't make it fit into my life. The mom guilt is just too much for me, and I'm the worst at making myself feel guilty. I need to find that "thing" that makes me feel that good about myself again. I need to find my mojo.

I know I have a shit ton of things to be grateful for and I count my blessing daily. I have not forgotten or lost sight of anything. But dammit, some days you just want to throw your head back and scream at the top of your lungs. So here it goes- "FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!"

There. That's a little better. Not much, but it's a start. Night, y'all.