Dumbass, Table For One

I'm used to embarrassing myself. I was born without a sense of balance and an overall lack of grace, I frequently put my foot in my mouth because the part of the brain that screams "SHUT UP" doesn't work, and most of the time you can tell what I've eaten during the day because I end up wearing it. (Wearing white scares the bejesus out of me, btw. Much too easy for my shirt to end up looking like a preschooler's finger painting.) Anyhoo. It's gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. Not only because I know what I'm capable of, but I figure once you've had kids all sense of shame goes straight down the toilet anyway. But today, I really embarrassed myself. When I do something, I go big or go home.

I was super excited because I saw that an Autism blog I had been reading was looking for guest bloggers. I'm looking for any opportunity I can do to do 2 things- 1:promote my writing on as many blogs and websites as possible and 2:promote Autism acceptance and share our story to help others. I thought this would be perfect. So last night after I finished studying and I was so tired I could barely hold my eyes open and I thought it would take a sandblaster to remove my contact lenses, I emailed my blog submission. I could hardly wait until the morning to see if I got a response.

When I saw the response in my inbox I was PSYCHED!! I clicked on it and read " thank you for your submission. We loved your post, however we try to keep this blog family friendly and we are concerned with some of the language you used..." Say what? I was so confused. I thought for a minute to try and figure out what was offensive in my post " Autism Is.." I couldn't think of a thing, so I read my original email and it hit me. I HAD SENT THE WRONG POST!! Omg, I just sent these people my post "These Are A Few of My Favorite Things" which talked about my fondness for the words "fuck and "asshat".

I felt like a fucking asshat.

I immediately sent an apology and explained that I would never intentionally submit that particular post. If they could have seen my face, it was surely as red as my hair. I'm surprised I didn't bruise my forehead from the massive facepalm I gave myself. I can honestly say for the first time in forever I was embarrassed.

Luckily, though, our little tale of woe has a happy ending. They accepted my next submission and posted it on their website. And my mortifying moment actually inspired the blog I sent them. "Autism Is Not A Four Letter Word". You can check it out on www.nsvar.org. This is a wonderful organization that helps people in Virginia find the resources they need for autism treatments and therapies.

So now, I am going to get off the computer for the night. I'm getting tired and as I proved today, I have the tendency to make a total jackass of myself when I get sleepy. :)

Dear 18 Year Old Me

As I sat at my kitchen table tonight, trying hard to concentrate on my Geology assignment( I seriously hate this class already. I don't care about fucking rocks!!), something occurred to me.

If I hadn't been a total moron when I was 18 I would have been finished with college long ago!! So I thought I'd write a letter to myself at 18 and jot down all the things I have learned since then.

Dear 18 Year Old Me,

I know you think it is a good idea not to start college right away. You've just spent a good chunk of your life in school and the last thing you want to do is go back to studying, homework and tests. You're such a dumbass right now that no one can tell you that taking a year off and working at Winn Dixie is the worst idea in the world. You've got a car (an 83 Dodge Aries, yeah, be jealous), you've found the love of your life, and you'll definitely start school in the spring.  You totally deserve to take time off from the 4 years of stress that was high school. (facepalm!!) How could this plan fail???

Guess what? It failed royally. When you have the chance to go to school, while living at home,  working part time, no real bills to pay and Mom is still cooking and doing your laundry for you, YOU TAKE THAT CHANCE AND RUN WITH IT, DIPSHIT!! That chance will never come your way again. Yes it is true that college will always be there, blah, blah, blah. But it will be there with additional responsibilities that weren't there before. It is hard as hell to work full time, raise 2 kids, keep up with housework and have time to chill out when you're an adult student. Excuse me, a "non traditional student" is what you're called now. Yes, you're still with Ryan (you did good there :) ), and yes, he is a huge help and supports you in what is now your 3rd or 4th attempt at finishing your bachelors degree. (really, you should be a damn doctor by now) But that doesn't make it any easier when it's 10 pm and you know you still need to read 2 more chapters, pack lunches for tomorrow so you can sleep in an extra 15 minutes in the morning and if you're lucky, not fall face first into your Geology book because you're exhausted.

 Take my advice. Don't be so stubborn. Start school in the fall of 1996. Study what makes you happy, not what you think other people want you to do. Broadcasting was your original plan, stick with the plan. If you take this advice chances are you will have a career that you love. You won't fall into random jobs that you loathe. Seriously, you suck at math, how in the world did you ever fall into a job at a bank?? And don't get me started on what you're doing now. Cubicle hell is the only way to describe it. The monotony of it drives you bat shit crazy on a daily basis. And the reason for this is it is not what you've always wanted to do with your life. All the time you're spending studying right now could have been time that you were reading "Bossypants" by Tina Fey for the 1000th time, watching reruns of your favorite shows while you anxiously wait for the new seasons to start, or most important of all, you could have been enjoying time with your family.

Sincerely,

35 Year Old You