Let me start off by saying this post will probably have a little TMI and I'll go as easy on the details as I can. A few weeks ago I had to go to the ER. I had been in pain for about a week and the doctor at UTC and the doctor at my regular physician's office wrote my pain off rather quickly as being a kidney stone. Now, I understand that I do not have the medical expertise they do, but I do have the expertise of my own body. I knew, just knew that I had another ovarian cyst. I've had that pain many times over the years and have even had surgery to remove the little bastards and I was pretty certain another one had invaded my space. So Saturday night when I could no longer stand upright I had Ryan take me to the hospital.
Side note- if you've never experienced this type of pain, I do not wish it upon you. If I could have reached inside myself and pulled out my own ovary I would have. Guys, the best way I can describe this to you is this; grab your nuts, pull down hard, and then twist it like you were a little kid on a swing set. You know how you would twist the chains so that when you stopped twisting you would spin out of control? This is like the twisting never ends. End note.
We arrive at the ER and I get taken back fairly quickly. This gave me false hope that this would be an easy peasy, in and out visit. Obviously I'm a dumbass for thinking this. I get back into my "room"(no walls, just curtains) and get as comfy as I can on the bed. As much as the hospital sucks, the blankets they give you that feel like they're straight out of the dryer are freaking awesome. One painful iv and a glorious shot of morphine later and I'm starting to feel a little bit of relief. The drunk asshole in the space next to me is complaining because someone brought him spicy mustard instead of regular, don't these nurses know how to do their jobs?! He's on my last nerve and I'm ready to scream when the doctor comes in. I shit you not, when I read his name tag I thought I was really high.
His name was Dr. Doctor.
If I hadn't been in so much pain I would have enjoyed that little tidbit a lot more in the moment. When that is your name is there really another choice for a profession? That's a shit ton of pressure for someone to live up to! It's not like he could have been a janitor with that name. And I failed to mention that my nurse was a man who had the most magnificent head of hair I've ever seen. It was long and silver. Not gray. Silver. Like a fucking unicorn's mane. If Ryan hadn't been there to confirm everything for me I would have sworn I was hallucinating.
I'm finally at a moment where the pain has subsided, I'm comfortable and Ryan and I are trying to sleep for a bit while we wait for Dr. Doctor to come back and let us know what was going on. Then, the jackass from the bed next to me peeks between the curtain to ask if I had a cigarette.
What. the. fuck?
Who does that??? First he was bitching about mustard and now he wants a cigarette? If he had known they were giving me morphine in my iv he probably would have ripped it out of my arm. I managed to tell him no but I'm pretty sure my face was saying" Die, asshole!!"
After seven very long hours in the ER my suspicions are confirmed and I do, in fact, have a cyst. Dr. Doctor gave me an actual diagnosis and I am on my way to feeling better. I'm in no hurry to ever go to the ER again, but if I have to go, I hope it's as humorous as this trip has been.
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